A Glimpse of Zen, or, How My Mind Works During Yoga

this is going to be amazing, it’s been far too long since I’ve been one with myself, ahhhhhh

when WAS the last time I went to a yoga class?

should I have gone pee one more time?

why do I have to pee so much? maybe I should get that checked out? maybe I should make an appointment for the doctor? Oh, I need to make an appointment with the dentist too. Where’s my phone to make a note to remind myself… dammit. not here.

apparently it’s grade 5 in here. strawberry scented lip gloss. really?? nice to meet you mat neighbour. *slowly slides mat over, away from offending smell*

I’m going to leave my hair unbound and feel the freedom.

freedom of hair equals hair in nose and mouth and eyes. hair tie in. hair freedom is overrated.

how can just sitting and breathing be so uncomfortable – and so annoying.

yes, finally, time to get moving!

I can totally get into that pose. used to do it all the time. loved it. and…. nope.

oh, this one, yes, this one is soooo good. and….nope.

Bend, reach, turn, look and – oh you have got to be f*&%ing kidding me. only if you want to hear that work out loud and not censored. nope.

child’s pose is for quitters. I can hold downward dog for 8 breaths. yup. and… child’s pose it is.

have my knees always been this fat?

jump into forward bend, yes! ….or not. walking there is good too though.

I love the colour of this tank top. wait, when did my body turn into the michelin man. I am never wearing this top again. as a matter of fact, when did my body start to look like THIS? ok, do not look in the mirror. ever. it adds 25 pounds and 10 years apparently. 

fold forward, how freaking far away is the floor???

there are my feet, finally. I need a pedicure. badly.

I need to shave my legs. badly.

oh, sweetie is coming for the weekend. yes, legs need to be shaved.

grins…. ok, stop that train of thought. ahem, back to yoga.

yoga helps with flexibility… grins….STOP that train of thought!

how is it that I can only successfully grow a maximum of 3 nails on each hand at any given time? It’s like the universe has some sort of rule for my fingernails.

dammit I forgot to make a nail appointment. need to remember that when I get back to the office

did I log off my computer when I left? did I logout of facebook? what if I die here and someone has to go into my computer? hmmmm. is it just burnt toast when you’re having a stroke? or is it other smells? maybe that wasn’t her lip gloss,. maybe it was a stroke and I was smelling strawberries. Am I too young for a stroke? no… young people have strokes too. would I know if I was? maybe that pain in my shoulder isn’t the joint, maybe it’s warning sign of a heart attack???

shut up brain, you’re fine. breath. it’s yoga and zen time!

how long is an hour!!! isn’t this over yet?

I liked it better when I taught the Yoga classes. that way I got to do all the poses I liked…

finally, we’re laying down.

must. move. hair. tie. ouch.

freezing

freezing

not zen

how can I relax when I’m on a thin mat on a concrete floor with fans going??? no, I don’t feel the peaceful energy of the universe. I’m shivering and need to pee. again.

and done.

I should do this every week. or never again. either way.

 

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Beauty of it all

Talking today with someone who is in the process of getting her permanent resident card. She’s lived in Canada since she was an infant and she’s turning 50 this month and this is her birthday present to herself. It’s something that she has wanted to do for many years but just never gotten around to. She is almost giddy with how excited she is. She said today to me “do you know what it’s like to finally be doing something that you’ve wanted to for so long? Something you didn’t even know how badly you wanted it until you started the change?” She grinned and answered her own question when she saw my face. Yes, I know. Smiles. She grinned in return and said “Of course you do”. She’s right. She’s seen me these past few years.

 

It’s an amazing feeling to know that you are doing something that you want, that you need, to do. Even more amazing when it sinks in how you didn’t know how much it was needed. It took me a long time to embrace and be open about who I am and how I need to live my life to be able to be happy. Starting with barely admitting it to myself, little bit by little bit, it’s good to be where I am now. Comfortable now. Open. Finally feeling the sense of freedom that comes with living my truth and not hiding it, even from myself – especially from myself.

 

No more shoulds or expectations based on norms that just never fit or felt right anyways. It took a lot of years for me to shine that light inside of myself and see what was there to find all along. Even more years to bring it all forward and accept myself and give myself the nudge to show other people who I am once I finally stopped feeling “wrong”.

 

To expose myself to not only myself but to others. To reach and connect… to finally start to draw closer instead of holding at arms length. Still a struggle but moving forward. To have people in my life who now help make up the beauty of my life. The beauty that is having people that know me. People that see me. The beauty that is having people in my life, some who I love intimately and some I am just getting to know more deeply, who live with the same authenticity and openness. The beauty of being able to see that I’m blessed more than I can see sometimes. 

 

Alone, together

I want to be alone, with you.

 

Alone, together

You in your space

Me in mine

Us together

Yet apart

 

Thoughts where they need to be.

Bodies near.

Finding the space that’s needed,

The aloneness that’s wanted,

With the closeness that’s craved

 

Close enough to know that a hand reached out

Will find the other.

Close enough to know that touch isn’t needed

To feel that closeness.

Alone, together